Diverted Attractions
by test.tube.babie
Summary: Sara has been shot down by Grissom for the last time, Catherine has come along to help her get over him and possibly even start a new kind of relationship with her. CathSara FemSlash. Rating probably won't stick. Whole story in Sara's POV. CH 3 is now up.
1. One

_Disclaimer: As you probably already know, yet it still must be stated, I own nothing. Simple as that. _

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_I dread this day. Nothing is going right. I got up the courage to ask Grissom out finally and he turns me down. Can you believe that? He doesn't even think about it he just does it like that, like he already knows his decision. He's flirted with me and such than he's just treating me like crap and I'm fucking tired of it. If he can't see what's right in front of him that maybe he doesn't deserve me! That's it! I'm not good enough for him so I'm going to just stop thinking about him. I'm going to forget that I even liked him._

_I hear a knock at the door but I don't get up. I don't want to get up, not right now. I just want to sit here in the corner on my floor with my beer and try to forget about all my stupid little feelings. I don't want to do anything but that. I need to do that. I can hear more knocking and I get up just because I want it to go away. I want it to stop and I want them to leave me the hell alone. I open the door and there stands my beautiful female co-worker, Catharine Willows. She is truly the last person I would ever think that would be over in my time of need._

_We just stare at each other before she says something, I'm not really sure what she's saying, I'm so damned focused on my thoughts. "Sara?" I hear her call out so I put all my attention on her so I can actually know what ever it was that she was asking me or telling me before. She must have been reading my mind that I got no part of what I said before because next thing I know she's telling me, "I said, might I be able to come in?" I looked at her letting the words soak in before opening the door more and stepping aside so she could step in._

_I don't think to say anything so I don't. I just walk back to my little corner letting her look around the apartment. It's slightly dirty, it's kinda small, but it's mine, its big enough for me. That's all that there's ever going to be, just me. I have no good luck with love, smarts I have, but love, no. Not love. She's talking again but I don't know what she's saying. I hear the door close but I don't look up to see if she's still there or not. I want to, but I can't. Before I even know what's happening she's sitting down beside me with a beer bottle of her own. She's not talking; at least I don't think she is. I take a swig from my own beer bottle before looking up at her. She's giving me one of those Catharine looks that she likes to give; I just can't decipher what it really means at the moment. I look back down hugging my knees close to me kinda just staring into my beer bottle looking at it as if it's my own life I'm sitting here drinking away._

_I let out a sigh without even noticing that I've done so and that brings me back to life._

"_Sara?" She's calling my name._

"_Sara? Hello…" She wants me to answer her._

"_Sara!!" I finally bring myself to look up at her. She looks worried but I don't think anything of it, should I?_

"_Yes?" My voice is low and barely a whisper but she can hear it and she acknowledges it. She gives me a soft smile, it suits her so very well and I can't even help but to smile back at her. She just looks so sweet in that moment._

_Catharine looked away once more, "When's the last time you've had anything to eat?" It's been awhile but I'm not hungry. Well, my mind is telling me to eat something but my body doesn't want anything right now and currently, my body is wining this fight._

_So, I lie, it's just a simple little white lie to get her off my case for the moment being, "Not long before you came over."_

_She's looking at me unbelieving like and I simply remember than that she has a CSI and has probably already had a good look around the apartment and also that she has a teenage daughter and can probably spot a lie right on the spot, so I flash her a smile than look back down into the beer bottle which is now my cruel hated thing called a life. I wonder for a moment if my analogy even makes sense but settle for it makes perfect sense to me so everyone else will just have to wonder what the hell it means if they can't already tell._

_I'm not sure when she got up but she had because when I hear a noise I look over to spot her in my kitchen area. She's talking again but I've stopped caring by now, I just want to be left alone, I want her to just leave me alone so I can be swallowed up by my own self pity. I know she won't give up that easily though, no, that's not like her at all. So, I mine as well give up and just let her do whatever the hell it is that she wants to do now so later I can be left alone._

_She's near me again and calling my name. I don't want to answer. I don't want to know what she wants right now. I don't care. Really, I don't. Okay, so maybe I'm trying more to convince myself that I don't care but it's true. Me and Catherine aren't even friends so I don't know what the hell she's doing here, I don't know what she wants from me but I assure you, I won't let her use me. I've been used my entire life and I won't be again._

_She's in front of me now and looking at me. She's got this worried look on her face; I don't think it's real. It looks real but she has no reason to be worried about me. You worry about friends and Catherine and I aren't friends so she should just stop now with all the faking and crap because it's really getting to bug the shit out of me. I really just want to be alone with my beer so I can be left to my thoughts but she just won't leave. Maybe she had nothing better to do, yeah, that's it, she had nothing better to do so she came over here so she could look at me and probably feel better about herself. I've got her all figured out._

"_How bout we go to the store? After we get some food in here I'll make you some breakfast." I suppose I could use some food and I don't have to cook so I just nod to Catherine's question._

_She leans her hand out for me to take so I take it and she helps me up but I stumble a little bit and fall into her. I expect to fall over but we don't, she's got me. Catherine holds me there for a moment before asking me, "Are you okay?" I can't even think of answering. Her arms just feel so… good around me. I like being there. I feel kinda… kinda safe. I'm in such a calm state right now and I don't want her to move and I just want to stay there in someone's arms and have the feeling that at least someone cares about me even if it won't last._

_I lay my head on her shoulder and I don't even know why I did it or that I had done it for that matter but I don't want to move it. I close my eyes and I've blocked out everything but this feeling. It's strange, I suddenly feel very tired and we're walking and before I know it I'm lying down on my bed and Catherine's tucking me in and telling me she'll be back in awhile. The light turns off and the door closes and I miss her warmth. I simply turn over and cuddle up closely to my pillow and try to create that felling again but it doesn't work but I still drift off into a deep sleep, something I've needed for awhile._


	2. Two

_**Authors Notes:** Oh no, no disclaimer? Gasp? It's on the first chapter loves._

_ This chapter contains like a tinsy bit of self mutilation. _

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_I wake up to the smell of something burning and reluctantly get out of bed. I walk out into the kitchen to see a firefighter standing next to Catherine. I didn't hear the sirens before but now I can, I look over at my kitchen and see they have all the windows open trying to let the smoke out and my countertops are pretty much black as are the cabinets. I see Catherine walk over to me out of my peripheral vision but my focus is still on my kitchen, how was I suppose to explain this to my landlord. I suppose I'm just luck that I live on the top floor._

"_Sara! I'm so sorry Sara! I really didn't mean for this to happen. I just looked away for a moment and when I turned back it was all just on fire, I looked for a fire extinguisher but I couldn't find one and by the time I did it was already too big and the fire department was here." Catherine tries to explain to me. "I'll pay for the damages but… well… the firefighters said you'll probably need to stay somewhere else for awhile while everything gets repaired."_

_All I can do is stare at my kitchen and blink. Reality hasn't really set into met just yet. This is all just a dream. Catherine wasn't even here at all, just me and my stupid little dreams. I've gotta wake up. Any moment now I'll wake up and none of this will have happened._

_Catherine moved in front of me to get my attention, "You can come and stay with me while it's getting repaired… that is, if you want to."_

_It's not like I have anywhere else to go so I tell her yes but, remember, it's just a dream so it doesn't matter weather I've said yes or no because none of it's really happening. I'm starting to feel the pain of my hangover now so I just walk away while I hear Catherine talking to the firefighters. I'm in my bathroom taking two Tylenols so the banging in my head will go away and than I realize it, if this were a dream, there would be no need to take the Tylenol because there would be no banging in my head._

"_Great, this is really happening?" I stare at myself in the mirror and start to wonder why I wasn't woken up during this whole thing. I just close my eyes, I don't even care anymore, better yet, I wish that she would have let the whole place just burn to the ground so that I could just die with it. I look at myself in the mirror once more and I hate the person I see, I hate the person I've become, I hate the person he's made me. I use to be happy. I use to have a life but than I moved here and everything just changed._

_Before I know what I'm doing I scream, "I HATE YOU!" I move back and lean against the wall and I'm not even sure I'm real right now. I grab the closet thing to me which happens to be a can of hair spray and I throw it so hard at the mirror that it just shatters. I just stare at where there use to be a mirror over my sink and smile. Fuck, I must look so crazy right now, but if only everyone knew the things I've gone though, the problems I've had. The eating disorders, the cutting, the pain, if I only they saw the real me._

_I lean down a pick up a piece of glass that's next to my foot. I look at the glass and than my wrist and I want to die. I'm bleeding, I can see the blood but before I can do any real damage Catherine is here and she's holding me and crying. I don't know why she's crying but she is. I don't know where my piece of glass is but I don't have it anymore, I must have dropped it or she took it, I can't even tell._

_She's putting something over my wrist trying to stop the bleeding but I don't want it there so I'm fighting her. She wins. I'm so weak. I can't even fight to die. I wonder what she's going to tell Grissom now; I wonder what he's going to think of me._

_Catherine's holding me and she's crying harder and now I'm crying. I didn't want her to cry. I didn't want to hurt her. She's moved us over to the bed and still has the towel over my wrist, I'm pretty sure I've stopped bleeding but she keeps it there wrapping her fingers around my wrist more when I try to get her to remove it. I don't talk, I don't look at her. I just let her. I don't want her to cry anymore but she won't stop and it's only making me sadder. It's only making me feel worse. I just want her to be happy, to smile. I don't know how to make her smile though; I seem to only bring her anger or pain. Making her smile is a tough one for me._

_I'm drowsy and my eye lids feel heavy so I close them and only see pools of blue. I don't know where they're from but that's all I see and I'm happy with that. Catherine's still holding me. She's stopped crying by now so things are a little better. I'm drifting away, slowly drifting and before I know it I'm asleep. Sleep is good, sleep is just want the doctor order, well, sleep and a new prescription of anti-depressants._


	3. Three

**Authors Notes:**

**Here we are. Another chapter. I hope you guys had an at least somewhat good holiday. Sorry for it being so late with me telling you. Anyway, thanks for reading.**

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_It's been two weeks since I've temporary moved in with Catherine and I must say that I like it. I like being able to have someone to come home to on Catherine's off nights and I like that me, her and Lindsay all sit together every night and eat dinner like a real family and I like that after we've eaten dinner before the shift Lindsay comes to me and ask me for help with her homework. It's wonderful. It's like being in a real family, something that I've never gotten to experience until now. Catherine probably doesn't know how much that means to me and honestly I'll probably never tell her but it means the world to me to just have now and to just live in the now._

_Of course it hasn't all been as perfect as it seems, me and Catherine have had our fights but that's us, we fight, it's as simple as that. She keeps asking me to talk to her about what happened, about what was going though my head while I was cutting myself, while I was getting ready to kill myself that day and I just, I can't answer her. I mean, I know what was going though my head but it just doesn't seem right. I hate Grissom so much for making so much of my past come back to my future. I know I shouldn't __put all the blame on him because it was just a matter of time before I blew a casket but it feels better to put the blame on him._

_I'm actually really glad that Catherine was there with me and that she stopped me that day or I would of never gotten to know the Catherine outside of work that just loves to go to the park with her daughter on her off days and play __soccer__ with her. I also wouldn't of gotten to know this amazing girl who is Catherine's daughter, I mean, honestly, if I ever have kids, which I doubt I will, but in the off chance that I do, I would hope for them to be like Lindsay. She's at that age of fourteen and just entering high school and even though she's so young she's been though hell and back yet can still learn to look on the bright side of things. She's really into writing. I don't know if Catherine's ever seen some of the things she's ever wrote but they're really good._

_I'm not really a way with words type of person. To some it may come as a shock but I'm more of an artist. I don't really tell anyone because art if my thing, art is my escape. The only person who's __ever really seen my art was Greg and that was because he went snooping around in my room looking for something, I still don't know what he was looking for but he found my portfolio and apparently I have this tortured artist thing going on. Well, tortured art for a tortured girl._

_Well, on a different note, work today really sucked. I worked the case with Nick but it wasn't who I was working with that made it suck, no, Nick's like a big over protective brother to me, as is Warrick, Greg's more of the annoying but still cool little brother, but anyways, what made work suck was the case me and him worked on. It was a suicide case and I just wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. They knew it was a suicide at first but after taking a closer look they found bruises on the girls' body and that's when we were called in to see if it was really a suicide or a murder. She wasn't, she had killed herself, but she abused by her parents and we did get them on child abuse._

_I cried when we got back. I told Nick I'd catch up with him later, went into the locker room and after __making sure that no one was there I just cried my eyes out. It was partly the case that just made me do it but the other part was me. Was that she was me, that I could have been that girl. I was just like her. Abused for years and I just took it, I hid myself behind a smile, made everyone believe that I was okay when I wasn't and so did she. I was slowly killing myself and no one was noticing because I didn't let them see. I was almost her. I almost didn't make it out. I almost was able to fight though it all. I don't want to be her. I don't want to be the girl that __everyone __thinks__ is alright anymore. I want someone to I'm not that I as okay as I seem. I don't want to end up on a cold metal slab having someone cut me open and look at my insides and than be buried weeks __later into the cold hard ground to have the bugs just eat me away, not yet, I'm not ready for that._

_Someone's arms were warped around me. Their hand was stroking my hair. When I look up I'm not so surprised to see that wonderful blue eyed blonde who keeps being there for me when I need her. I can only lean closer to her and cry more. She's kept on whispering comforting words to me and I just don't want her comfort to go. All __the good parts of my life seem to leave so I wanna make her stick to me. I don't want to drown her out or scare her away or let her get away from me. I want her to be my friend. I wanna be there for her when no one else is, like she keeps turning up being there for me._

_The good part was that even when I was done crying, even when it seemed like I didn't need her there anymore, she still stayed, she still kept telling me that everything would be okay, she didn't leave me. She was a real friend to me and I want to be a real friend for her. __If anything, my friendship with her could be my reason to not leave the planet earth._

_It was awhile before we got up. I looked at Catherine and smiled to her. I gave her a hug and clung to that for a moment. I think she was a bit taken back by my hugging her but it felt good to do so, it felt good to actually let someone in. We smiled at each other than I looked at myself in the mirror, God I looked horrible, I went over to the sinks and turned the water on. I splashed my __face a few times than decided that it was as good as it was going to get without some sleep._

_"Ready to go?" I could hear Catherine asking me so I nodded than the both of us left. We had only been taking one car since we were staying together and our shifts started at the same time it just seemed like the smarter more earth friendly thing to do. Catherine decided it'd be better if she drove, which, I was in no position to deny, so I climbed into the __passengers'__ si__de of the car while Catherine got into the drivers._

_She started down the road than stopped at the stop sign. I turned the music on to a rock station, Catherine wasn't all that into rock but she didn't completely hate it, on the other hand, I loved it. As the light turned green we started up again and really, the last thing I can remember was looking out my window seeing the car headed for us and yelling out Catherine's name. That was it. The car had hit us and we went spinning. I'm really glad she had the policy about buckling up because if it wasn't for that I'm pretty sure I'd be dead. I could see my life flashing before my eyes __before blacking out, and, as crazy as it seems, all of the scenes had Catherine in them._


End file.
